Focus on the blessings you have
Two-years to life in prison.
When the judge pronounced this prison sentence for my son, I felt like my world collapsed. My son was about to spend years in prison, possibly his entire life. How could I ever be happy or find any kind of fulfillment going forward if he was in prison? I was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and sadness. What I came to realize is that I was dealing with loss.
If you or a loved one is facing serious criminal charges, there is a good chance you will have to face some losses in your life. For the person accused of a crime this can mean loss of income, freedoms, the ability to live comfortably, and possibly the loss of important relationships. For the family members of the accused it can mean the loss of having their loved actively in their life, the loss of the relationship you had with the accused family member, or the loss of the future you had hoped for them (and the two of you together).
What I came to learn is that just because you’re facing loss, it does not mean that your life is over. I discovered that you can have a good life beyond a criminal conviction—even a great life, if you choose. My mission—and the reason we launched The FOTA Project—is to help families of the accused have a good life—even a great one—after a criminal conviction. I want to share with you what I’ve learned about making that happen.
Mourn your losses
It’s normal to mourn the losses you’re facing. In fact, it’s an important step to healing. So go ahead and take that time to mourn. Write down all the losses you’re experiencing. Acknowledge them. Honor them. This is a big deal—these losses are real.
But set a time limit. When facing any sort of suffering or loss, I ask myself how long I want to allow myself to mourn. Once that time has passed, I take steps to move beyond the suffering. This strategy of actively moving past what you’ve lost may seem impossible, or like something you don’t even have the strength to bother with right now. There were certainly many times I felt that way. But I want to share with you some strategies I found helpful for moving past suffering and reclaiming a great life for myself.
Silver Lining
Finding the silver lining helped me to begin moving past the suffering. When you’re in turmoil it can be difficult to see the silver lining, the “hidden blessings” of a terrible situation. To help you begin thinking in that direction, here are some “silver linings” I experienced through my own encounter with the legal system.
A closer relationship with my son
Before my son was incarcerated in 2017, he and I had a pretty good relationship. We talked maybe once or twice a month. He listened to my advice when I offered it and shared his successes when they came. Our relationship was good, but relatively distant. He was a young man who had a lot of things going on in his life and limited room for ‘mom’. Since his incarceration we’ve spoken nearly every day. I’ve learned so many wonderful things about my son that I would have never known, and we’ve developed a close relationship that I never would have imagined otherwise. I’ve had a front row seat on his growth as an adult. My son is an introvert and tends towards shyness. It’s been wonderful to see his communication skills flourish as a result of the self-improvement work he’s done while incarcerated.
A new life mission
Before my son was incarcerated in 2017, I owned a successful marketing business. It was growing, booming actually. I was happy with what that business was doing, and where it seemed to be headed. What I realized through this experience is that while my marketing business supported other small businesses and helped entrepreneurs grow and care for their families, it wasn’t something I had a strong passion for. Don’t get me wrong—I enjoyed working with business owners, and I found satisfaction in helping them be more successful, and I was grateful for the lifestyle and money it provided for my husband and I.
But through my son’s incarceration I learned that I have a passion – and unique talent – for helping people through crisis. This role provides a deeper sense of fulfillment than I’ve ever experienced from any other business in which I’ve been involved. My son’s incarceration lead me to a new life’s purpose.
Beyond that, I’ve met people I would have never crossed paths with who have contributed to my life in huge ways, and I have made strong personal connections with others, many of whom I’ve had the honor of helping through the worst experience they’ve ever faced.
I challenge you to look to your future and find positive outcomes to strive for.