I Was Overwhelmed With Feelings of Fear, Panic, Guilt and Isolation

The minute the judge finished stating my son’s prison sentence, he immediately stood up and left the court room as if he couldn’t leave fast enough.  That’s my last memory of that room.  Suddenly people were standing around me and ushering me out of the court room. My mind ran wild as I imagined my son being physically harmed (or worse) in prison.  Every prison documentary I had ever seen painted that picture in vivid colors.   

I hadn’t prepared in any other way for this.  My son’s attorney had been so sure of my son getting probation that we hadn’t even discussed what a prison sentence would mean.  Nobody else in my support circle had helped me prepare for a prison sentence either.  I was horrified.  I had a whole evening planned with my son, but they took him away right from the court room.

In the weeks and months that followed, if I didn’t hear from my son for a short period of time, I was sure something horrible had happened.  I panicked any day the phone didn’t ring, and I could hardly wait for my visitation application to be approved so I could see him and inspect for bruises.  I spent hours worrying and fretting about every aspect of my son’s experience.

As I worked to get used to my new reality, I caught myself over and over feeling guilty any time I considered enjoying anything in my life. Whenever my husband insisted that we go out for dinner, I would fight the feelings of guilt as I enjoyed the delicious food and the pleasant atmosphere. Visions of my son in his cell, eating roman noodles he nuked because there is never enough food served during meals, floated into my mind and I would have to fight back the tears right there in the restaurant.

It was just easier to stay home. I spent days at a time completely alone, unable to accept my new reality. 

My son was a convicted felon, in prison.